Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
