I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
