Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize