Swine flu. Run for my life!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
