is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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