i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
