I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
