I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
