break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize