Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
