He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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