worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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