i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
