Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Randomize
