I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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