you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
