i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
