dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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