I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
