11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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