I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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