You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
