I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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