if only i could text you this smell
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I think my moral compass just broke
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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