my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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