I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize