Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
