Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
