Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
