party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
