Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
