I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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