oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
