Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
handjob tips. give me some.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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