so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
