Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
