Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
