literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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