Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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