Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
