the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
