i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
