I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
