What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
