Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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