No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
