um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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