You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
