also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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