just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize