My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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