You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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