Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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