He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
