I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
