life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize