Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
