you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize