i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
